Let me preface this post by saying: A) It's long B) I am not a writer or grammar expert
This past year I have been struggling quite a bit with
feelings of inadequacy and trying to get my priorities in line.. I have kept my
feelings mostly to myself until recently I talked to a few other women, and
mothers and realized it’s not just me. I think we all struggle with these
feelings more often than we would like to admit.
I saw (and still do see) all these mothers, bloggers and
fitness fanatics posting pictures of their post baby bodies at a size 2 and
still talking about how much weight they need to lose all the while posting
pictures of all the fun activities they do with their children. I have tried
for almost 3 years now to be THAT mom: The mom whose children are perfectly put
together. Most days around our house we are lucky if the children both have
pants on for the whole day.
I have struggled losing my baby weight and have been so
unhappy with the way I look. I have tried the gym and have every intention of
getting a workout in everyday but most days I just can’t get there. Someone
always needs something from me. The baby needs a bottle, Lila needs to go
potty, Daddy has to go to court, we need something from the store, etc… I have
been beating myself up every day feeling bad about the way I look and feeling
bad for my husband because when we were married I was a size 4 and happy with
myself.
I feel guilty when I feel too tired to run around the house
pretending to be riding horses or crawling on the floor being cats because I spent the morning cleaning the house. I feel guilty
that I don’t have the energy to make a great big meal every night and more
often than not we end up eating spaghetti.
But events this past year have changed my outlook on so many
things in my life:
This fall Lila had to have surgery and I spent weeks
dreading it, I spent the days leading up to it not being able to leave her
side. The day of the surgery I was a wreck as it was no simple surgery. When
she woke up I couldn’t let her go, I held her for hours upon hours. We were
told that after we got home we just needed to keep up on her pain medicine and
all would be fine. Things were not fine. Lila had so much oxycodone built up in
her system she started to show signs of withdrawals when we got home and she
couldn’t keep any medicine down. Her surgery was on her bladder so you can
imagine the pain of throwing up. I remember just crying and crying and holding
her because there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her. We had a
couple trips to the emergency room just to control her pain and I kept thinking
I don’t know what I would do without this bright light in my life.
The same week we were in the hospital with Lila I got a call
from my sister that her father had unexpectedly passed away. She was in the
same hospital as we were so I rushed over to give what little comfort I could
and the whole thing just hit me like a brick. What would I do if I were not
given the chance to say goodbye?
Two months later in October and 34 weeks pregnant I was home
with my husband and started have contractions. I brushed it off since it was so
early and I thought it couldn’t possibly be anything but they started getting
stronger and closer and it was so painful I couldn’t stop moving around. After
a few unanswered calls to my OB we headed for the hospital. They admitted me
and monitored my contractions and sure enough I was in preterm labor. They got
my pain and contractions under control and I was put on bed rest until 36 weeks
and ended up going into preterm labor twice more. Finally at 38 weeks they
decided it was okay and baby Bennett was born on November 18. Instantly I fell
in love with this little man and realized it would all be okay somehow.
Then came January. My mom called to tell me my grandma who
had been in a nursing home for quite some time was not doing so well. She had a
bleeding ulcer that without surgery would be fatal. My mother and my aunt went
to see her a couple days later to let her make the decision and she told them
no surgery. My mom and my aunt told her they understood as her quality of life
was not there. We were all preparing for her to go within a few weeks but to
everyone’s shock we got a call the next morning saying she wasn’t going to make
it more than 48 hours. It was January 6th. I had always been close
with my grandparents. I spent so much time with them when I was little because
my mom was a single parent and was also in school. I hadn’t prepared myself to
lose my grandma. We rushed to the nursing home and I was grateful to arrive
when we did. She was not awake but we could get a smile out of her here and
there. After all the family got there we reminisced and talked to her and
comforted her and I held her hand as she took her last breath and I found it so
hard to let go.
In light of all these things I came to the realization that:
IT DOESN’T MATTER. I REPEAT.. IT DOES NOT MATTER.
We spend all this time worrying about what we look like,
getting our hair done, shopping for the perfect outfit, worrying about work and
things we can’t change. We spend too much time thinking of the ‘what if’s’. We
waste too much time saying “I need to call this person” or “We should have
dinner with them sometime” instead of actually doing it.
If I have learned anything this past year it would be this.
I am not perfect. I am not the perfect mother, wife or sister. I am just me. I
am all that I can be, I do all that I can and I am enough.
It’s okay if the laundry is in a pile on the floor. It’s okay
if Lila runs around in her princess panties and colors on the wall. It’s okay
if the dishes aren’t done because I spent time running around on a stick horse
pretending to be Kristoff from Frozen. It’s okay and it's okay because that is just real life.
The world will still turn if I can’t fit into my jeans from
before I was pregnant. Why? Because the people I love most still love me. My
children don’t care if I have a flat stomach, they don’t care that I have stretch
marks. My husband still thinks I am attractive and no one loves me for my body.
What matters most in this life are the memories we make,
that the one’s we love know that we love them and just how much; that we take
the time to look, actually look, at our children. To realize the little dimples
on their hands will soon fade. The times they run to you when you get home from
work will one day disappear. That someday these bodies we were given will not
work the same as they do now. To remember
that we are still IN love with our husbands. That this could all be over in a
second and the only thing you leave behind are the memories you made and the
impressions you made on people. I don’t want to look back at my life and think
I didn’t take the time.
So today I pledge to make more messes, say what I mean
and leave nothing unsaid; make plans and follow through and stop worrying about
things that ultimately just don’t matter. Life is short even if you live to be
100, I don’t want to waste it.
