As I Lay Sleeping...

Some nights after I put my kids to bed, I sneak back in (as I am sure most of us parents do) just to stare at those little faces. I am in awe of the peacefulness and pure contentment. I find myself looking at two completely perfect people and I know that I am not the only mother of perfect children. As we get older, we lose that perfectness... children are programmed to love, to play, to include everyone and find the joy in almost everything. 

As I watch them sleep I watch knowing they have not one care in the world. Their minds are full of wonderment and dreams. They can sleep comfortably in their beds feeling safe and secure and knowing that mommy and daddy will always be there to rescue them when they have a bad dream, get an owie, or when some other kids are mean to them. 

Lila and Bennett go to sleep knowing tomorrow is another day full of playtime, story time, bath time and that there is nothing to worry about. And as amazed at this as I am, I wonder how I can keep them naive enough to the world we live in to still keep them feeling safe and secure and not let the world beat the wonder out of them but bring out more.

I know that I will not be able to come to the rescue forever. It makes me sad that someday they will have worries and bigger problems than which toys to play with, Barbie’s or cars? The world can be a terrifying place and I can’t keep them blind to it but I never want them to lose that wonder. I never want them to give up on their dreams. I want my children to grow up knowing that they can be anything they want and look back on their lives as they get older and say that they never gave up, never once thought they couldn’t get there.

I find myself thinking that I wish I could be more like my children, that I could find the silver lining in everything, make friends everywhere I go and not care about which social group they came from. I wish I could be messy and not worry about what I looked like. Some days I wish I could put on a tutu to be a princess and be absolutely certain that tutu actually made me a princess.

I am not blind to this world and I know that inevitably there will be someone who tries to tell my kids they can’t or aren’t. I remember each time I was bullied in school and I remember each time vividly and that it affected me then and still today. I know my children will have to face it, I just hope I can raise them to take it with a grain of salt and know there is so much more good in this world than bad and you really don’t need to search far to find it.

Mostly, I know that I can’t protect Lila and Bennett forever because babies grow, and I must enjoy my time with them while I have them. Like my mom always says, our children are on loan to us for a very short amount of time. I just hope that I can prepare my kids for the world around us, to raise happy, healthy (physically and emotionally), dream filled children.

 These kids will just never know how much they have taught me and changed me for the better. It’s amazing how someone so small can change you so much.