Priorities

      Let me preface this post by saying: A) It's long B) I am not a writer or grammar expert

     This past year I have been struggling quite a bit with feelings of inadequacy and trying to get my priorities in line.. I have kept my feelings mostly to myself until recently I talked to a few other women, and mothers and realized it’s not just me. I think we all struggle with these feelings more often than we would like to admit. 

     I saw (and still do see) all these mothers, bloggers and fitness fanatics posting pictures of their post baby bodies at a size 2 and still talking about how much weight they need to lose all the while posting pictures of all the fun activities they do with their children. I have tried for almost 3 years now to be THAT mom: The mom whose children are perfectly put together. Most days around our house we are lucky if the children both have pants on for the whole day.

   

      I have struggled losing my baby weight and have been so unhappy with the way I look. I have tried the gym and have every intention of getting a workout in everyday but most days I just can’t get there. Someone always needs something from me. The baby needs a bottle, Lila needs to go potty, Daddy has to go to court, we need something from the store, etc… I have been beating myself up every day feeling bad about the way I look and feeling bad for my husband because when we were married I was a size 4 and happy with myself.

     I feel guilty when I feel too tired to run around the house pretending to be riding horses or crawling on the floor being cats because I spent the morning cleaning the house. I feel guilty that I don’t have the energy to make a great big meal every night and more often than not we end up eating spaghetti.

     

     But events this past year have changed my outlook on so many things in my life:

     

     This fall Lila had to have surgery and I spent weeks dreading it, I spent the days leading up to it not being able to leave her side. The day of the surgery I was a wreck as it was no simple surgery. When she woke up I couldn’t let her go, I held her for hours upon hours. We were told that after we got home we just needed to keep up on her pain medicine and all would be fine. Things were not fine. Lila had so much oxycodone built up in her system she started to show signs of withdrawals when we got home and she couldn’t keep any medicine down. Her surgery was on her bladder so you can imagine the pain of throwing up. I remember just crying and crying and holding her because there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her. We had a couple trips to the emergency room just to control her pain and I kept thinking I don’t know what I would do without this bright light in my life.

     The same week we were in the hospital with Lila I got a call from my sister that her father had unexpectedly passed away. She was in the same hospital as we were so I rushed over to give what little comfort I could and the whole thing just hit me like a brick. What would I do if I were not given the chance to say goodbye?

     Two months later in October and 34 weeks pregnant I was home with my husband and started have contractions. I brushed it off since it was so early and I thought it couldn’t possibly be anything but they started getting stronger and closer and it was so painful I couldn’t stop moving around. After a few unanswered calls to my OB we headed for the hospital. They admitted me and monitored my contractions and sure enough I was in preterm labor. They got my pain and contractions under control and I was put on bed rest until 36 weeks and ended up going into preterm labor twice more. Finally at 38 weeks they decided it was okay and baby Bennett was born on November 18. Instantly I fell in love with this little man and realized it would all be okay somehow.

     Then came January. My mom called to tell me my grandma who had been in a nursing home for quite some time was not doing so well. She had a bleeding ulcer that without surgery would be fatal. My mother and my aunt went to see her a couple days later to let her make the decision and she told them no surgery. My mom and my aunt told her they understood as her quality of life was not there. We were all preparing for her to go within a few weeks but to everyone’s shock we got a call the next morning saying she wasn’t going to make it more than 48 hours. It was January 6^th. I had always been close with my grandparents. I spent so much time with them when I was little because my mom was a single parent and was also in school. I hadn’t prepared myself to lose my grandma. We rushed to the nursing home and I was grateful to arrive when we did. She was not awake but we could get a smile out of her here and there. After all the family got there we reminisced and talked to her and comforted her and I held her hand as she took her last breath and I found it so hard to let go.

     In light of all these things I came to the realization that:

     IT DOESN’T MATTER. I REPEAT.. IT DOES NOT MATTER.

     We spend all this time worrying about what we look like, getting our hair done, shopping for the perfect outfit, worrying about work and things we can’t change. We spend too much time thinking of the ‘what if’s’. We waste too much time saying “I need to call this person” or “We should have dinner with them sometime” instead of actually doing it. 

     If I have learned anything this past year it would be this. I am not perfect. I am not the perfect mother, wife or sister. I am just me. I am all that I can be, I do all that I can and I am enough.

 

     It’s okay if the laundry is in a pile on the floor. It’s okay if Lila runs around in her princess panties and colors on the wall. It’s okay if the dishes aren’t done because I spent time running around on a stick horse pretending to be Kristoff from Frozen. It’s okay and it's okay because that is just real life.

     The world will still turn if I can’t fit into my jeans from before I was pregnant. Why? Because the people I love most still love me. My children don’t care if I have a flat stomach, they don’t care that I have stretch marks. My husband still thinks I am attractive and no one loves me for my body. 

     What matters most in this life are the memories we make, that the one’s we love know that we love them and just how much; that we take the time to look, actually look, at our children. To realize the little dimples on their hands will soon fade. The times they run to you when you get home from work will one day disappear. That someday these bodies we were given will not work the same as they do now.  To remember that we are still IN love with our husbands. That this could all be over in a second and the only thing you leave behind are the memories you made and the impressions you made on people. I don’t want to look back at my life and think I didn’t take the time.

    So today I pledge to make more messes, say what I mean and leave nothing unsaid; make plans and follow through and stop worrying about things that ultimately just don’t matter. Life is short even if you live to be 100, I don’t want to waste it.