What Being A Police Wife Taught Me About Life

I’ve been a police wife for just over 2 years now so I am by no means a seasoned veteran but these first two years have changed our lives in more ways than I could have ever imagined.

Growing up I was always taught to respect Law enforcement, not because they wore a badge or out of fear but because they were our protectors, they were there to keep me safe, to keep the horrors of the world from my view.

My husband joined the military shortly before we were engaged. I saw the way people looked at him, with so much pride and respect. He put that uniform on and he was thanked for his service, thanked for the sacrifice he chose to make. I thought joining the police force would be the same and in some ways it is, but lately the minority has found their cruel and loud voice.

Before my husband attended the academy, we had people tell us time and time again,  “Get ready to lose all your friends.” I laughed it off because I KNEW that our friends weren’t like that. They were all law abiding citizens and we had been friends for years. Well, they were right, as time went by, slowly but surely, friends stopped calling, stopped coming around, and for what? Has my husband changed so much that you view him as a completely different person because he puts on a uniform? No matter, though we have lost some longtime friends we have gained a whole family. I don’t know what I would do without other police wives, those I have met and those I haven’t. Although the majority of us have never met, there is a bond between us.

Recent events have made me realize just how different my life is from the rest of the world. Unless you are a part of this life, it’s hard to explain. This life is hard, there is no manual. There is no class on how to comfort someone who has just seen a small child lose a fight for life, to help someone who has seen an addiction cost a young father his life and to watch him suffer the loss of a brother.

What this life has taught me.

We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, police life or not.

Police wives are a special breed, not everyone can embrace this life.

This is not a career choice, this is a life choice. You don’t come home after a shift and leave work behind. This job sticks with you, grocery shopping is not what it used to be and the table selection at a restaurant has been extremely limited (must be facing a door etc.)

You WILL lose friends (and sometimes family) BUT this job comes with its own family. A HUGE family, one that truly understands you and all that you will go through.

There will be people out there who hate the uniform, who hate the job but the majority still believes and respects them. It seems the silent majority have begun to find their voice.

You will see the best and the worst in humanity even as a wife. You will hear the horrible words said about your spouse and you will hear the “thank you-s”. You will see the hate and you will be humbled by the support.

I have learned there will be days of sadness and when we lose one of our own we all feel it, immensely. Whether we knew them personally or not, their loss reflects in each of us. I see that wife, I really see her, and although I can’t imagine her pain, we are connected through the tragedy and I am humbled by that fact.

Mostly what I have learned from this life is this… yes, we chose it, and we have to choose to see the best in it. To take all that we have learned from each other and remember why we are here. Our men chose to help, chose to serve and protect and it doesn’t and shouldn’t matter that there are people out there who hate them for it. I am not denying it is scary to send them out the door with threats looming overhead or never knowing if they will make it home safe or what awaits them during their next shift, but I for one choose to be proud, always, to never feed the hate.  

The things he has seen and the impact it has had on us is not for the faint of heart. If you had asked me 5 years ago, if I thought I could handle this life, I may have said no, but this IS my life and I wouldn’t change it. Every time he puts on that uniform I am proud of the man he is, of the officer he is.

I stand firmly behind that thin blue line.

As I Lay Sleeping...

Some nights after I put my kids to bed, I sneak back in (as I am sure most of us parents do) just to stare at those little faces. I am in awe of the peacefulness and pure contentment. I find myself looking at two completely perfect people and I know that I am not the only mother of perfect children. As we get older, we lose that perfectness... children are programmed to love, to play, to include everyone and find the joy in almost everything. 

As I watch them sleep I watch knowing they have not one care in the world. Their minds are full of wonderment and dreams. They can sleep comfortably in their beds feeling safe and secure and knowing that mommy and daddy will always be there to rescue them when they have a bad dream, get an owie, or when some other kids are mean to them. 

Lila and Bennett go to sleep knowing tomorrow is another day full of playtime, story time, bath time and that there is nothing to worry about. And as amazed at this as I am, I wonder how I can keep them naive enough to the world we live in to still keep them feeling safe and secure and not let the world beat the wonder out of them but bring out more.

I know that I will not be able to come to the rescue forever. It makes me sad that someday they will have worries and bigger problems than which toys to play with, Barbie’s or cars? The world can be a terrifying place and I can’t keep them blind to it but I never want them to lose that wonder. I never want them to give up on their dreams. I want my children to grow up knowing that they can be anything they want and look back on their lives as they get older and say that they never gave up, never once thought they couldn’t get there.

I find myself thinking that I wish I could be more like my children, that I could find the silver lining in everything, make friends everywhere I go and not care about which social group they came from. I wish I could be messy and not worry about what I looked like. Some days I wish I could put on a tutu to be a princess and be absolutely certain that tutu actually made me a princess.

I am not blind to this world and I know that inevitably there will be someone who tries to tell my kids they can’t or aren’t. I remember each time I was bullied in school and I remember each time vividly and that it affected me then and still today. I know my children will have to face it, I just hope I can raise them to take it with a grain of salt and know there is so much more good in this world than bad and you really don’t need to search far to find it.

Mostly, I know that I can’t protect Lila and Bennett forever because babies grow, and I must enjoy my time with them while I have them. Like my mom always says, our children are on loan to us for a very short amount of time. I just hope that I can prepare my kids for the world around us, to raise happy, healthy (physically and emotionally), dream filled children.

 These kids will just never know how much they have taught me and changed me for the better. It’s amazing how someone so small can change you so much.

Priorities

      Let me preface this post by saying: A) It's long B) I am not a writer or grammar expert

     This past year I have been struggling quite a bit with feelings of inadequacy and trying to get my priorities in line.. I have kept my feelings mostly to myself until recently I talked to a few other women, and mothers and realized it’s not just me. I think we all struggle with these feelings more often than we would like to admit. 

     I saw (and still do see) all these mothers, bloggers and fitness fanatics posting pictures of their post baby bodies at a size 2 and still talking about how much weight they need to lose all the while posting pictures of all the fun activities they do with their children. I have tried for almost 3 years now to be THAT mom: The mom whose children are perfectly put together. Most days around our house we are lucky if the children both have pants on for the whole day.

   

      I have struggled losing my baby weight and have been so unhappy with the way I look. I have tried the gym and have every intention of getting a workout in everyday but most days I just can’t get there. Someone always needs something from me. The baby needs a bottle, Lila needs to go potty, Daddy has to go to court, we need something from the store, etc… I have been beating myself up every day feeling bad about the way I look and feeling bad for my husband because when we were married I was a size 4 and happy with myself.

     I feel guilty when I feel too tired to run around the house pretending to be riding horses or crawling on the floor being cats because I spent the morning cleaning the house. I feel guilty that I don’t have the energy to make a great big meal every night and more often than not we end up eating spaghetti.

     

     But events this past year have changed my outlook on so many things in my life:

     

     This fall Lila had to have surgery and I spent weeks dreading it, I spent the days leading up to it not being able to leave her side. The day of the surgery I was a wreck as it was no simple surgery. When she woke up I couldn’t let her go, I held her for hours upon hours. We were told that after we got home we just needed to keep up on her pain medicine and all would be fine. Things were not fine. Lila had so much oxycodone built up in her system she started to show signs of withdrawals when we got home and she couldn’t keep any medicine down. Her surgery was on her bladder so you can imagine the pain of throwing up. I remember just crying and crying and holding her because there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her. We had a couple trips to the emergency room just to control her pain and I kept thinking I don’t know what I would do without this bright light in my life.

     The same week we were in the hospital with Lila I got a call from my sister that her father had unexpectedly passed away. She was in the same hospital as we were so I rushed over to give what little comfort I could and the whole thing just hit me like a brick. What would I do if I were not given the chance to say goodbye?

     Two months later in October and 34 weeks pregnant I was home with my husband and started have contractions. I brushed it off since it was so early and I thought it couldn’t possibly be anything but they started getting stronger and closer and it was so painful I couldn’t stop moving around. After a few unanswered calls to my OB we headed for the hospital. They admitted me and monitored my contractions and sure enough I was in preterm labor. They got my pain and contractions under control and I was put on bed rest until 36 weeks and ended up going into preterm labor twice more. Finally at 38 weeks they decided it was okay and baby Bennett was born on November 18. Instantly I fell in love with this little man and realized it would all be okay somehow.

     Then came January. My mom called to tell me my grandma who had been in a nursing home for quite some time was not doing so well. She had a bleeding ulcer that without surgery would be fatal. My mother and my aunt went to see her a couple days later to let her make the decision and she told them no surgery. My mom and my aunt told her they understood as her quality of life was not there. We were all preparing for her to go within a few weeks but to everyone’s shock we got a call the next morning saying she wasn’t going to make it more than 48 hours. It was January 6^th. I had always been close with my grandparents. I spent so much time with them when I was little because my mom was a single parent and was also in school. I hadn’t prepared myself to lose my grandma. We rushed to the nursing home and I was grateful to arrive when we did. She was not awake but we could get a smile out of her here and there. After all the family got there we reminisced and talked to her and comforted her and I held her hand as she took her last breath and I found it so hard to let go.

     In light of all these things I came to the realization that:

     IT DOESN’T MATTER. I REPEAT.. IT DOES NOT MATTER.

     We spend all this time worrying about what we look like, getting our hair done, shopping for the perfect outfit, worrying about work and things we can’t change. We spend too much time thinking of the ‘what if’s’. We waste too much time saying “I need to call this person” or “We should have dinner with them sometime” instead of actually doing it. 

     If I have learned anything this past year it would be this. I am not perfect. I am not the perfect mother, wife or sister. I am just me. I am all that I can be, I do all that I can and I am enough.

 

     It’s okay if the laundry is in a pile on the floor. It’s okay if Lila runs around in her princess panties and colors on the wall. It’s okay if the dishes aren’t done because I spent time running around on a stick horse pretending to be Kristoff from Frozen. It’s okay and it's okay because that is just real life.

     The world will still turn if I can’t fit into my jeans from before I was pregnant. Why? Because the people I love most still love me. My children don’t care if I have a flat stomach, they don’t care that I have stretch marks. My husband still thinks I am attractive and no one loves me for my body. 

     What matters most in this life are the memories we make, that the one’s we love know that we love them and just how much; that we take the time to look, actually look, at our children. To realize the little dimples on their hands will soon fade. The times they run to you when you get home from work will one day disappear. That someday these bodies we were given will not work the same as they do now.  To remember that we are still IN love with our husbands. That this could all be over in a second and the only thing you leave behind are the memories you made and the impressions you made on people. I don’t want to look back at my life and think I didn’t take the time.

    So today I pledge to make more messes, say what I mean and leave nothing unsaid; make plans and follow through and stop worrying about things that ultimately just don’t matter. Life is short even if you live to be 100, I don’t want to waste it.

Lila's Crazy Hospital Adventure

I realize it has been a super long time since I have blogged anything but I think it is time I get back into it. Hopefully I will be able to post more often but we will see with school and family and well, the rest of life..

  I wanted to share a major event that happened recently to our little family..

  On August 30th little miss Lila came down with a pretty high fever.. Now as most parents know, children get fevers, often. I decided I would go to my math class that evening and see how she was doing when I got home. She stayed with Hercules and I called on my way home only to hear Lila screaming and crying in the background. As you may know from my previous post, Lila has something called VUR and when she gets a fever she has to be seen right away in case she has a UTI. After a call to my mom for some more experienced advice we decided to take her to the emergency room.

   When we got to the ER they sent us into a room and did a catheter to see if it was indeed a UTI. The results came back normal and they sent us home and told us to see our pediatrician. The next day she wasn't eating or drinking anything and we began to get a bad feeling about it all so we took her to see her doctor. They did another catheter and checked her ears, nose and throat. Once again, everything came back normal. Our pediatrician told us to come back if the fever was still there in 5 days. Since she was not drinking anything we were told to force her to drink out of a syringe until she would drink on her own. After about 24 hours and on the brink of dehydration Lila finally started drinking on her own. We made it through the rest of the weekend with a lot of tylenol, Bubble Guppies (Lila's favorite show) and a lot of sleep.

   Tuesday came and brought a fever along with it. Now when I say fever.. I don't mean like 101. Her fevers were getting as high as 103. The strange thing was that it was her only symptom. We took her back to a new doctor as her's was out of the office. She seemed very confused and decided to run some different tests. Lila had her nose suctioned out with this crazy machine and then had to have a chest x-ray.

   Hercules took her to do the chest x-ray as I was already getting drained watching her feel so bad. I waited in the hall and could hear Lila screaming "MOMMY, MOMMY!" it was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever heard. After all of that we had to take her to get some blood drawn. I just have to say, I have the sweetest little girl ever. After they drew her blood she said through streaming tears "Thank you, Sorry." to the nurses.

   We took her home and waited.

   The fevers continued and on Thursday her doctor's office called to give us the results of the blood work. She said there were a few things that were unusual and that she would talk to the dr. to make sure it wasn't anything serious. After a few hours of not hearing anything I called the office back because Lila's fever was up to 103.2 again. The nurse told us the doctor wanted us to go to the ER immediately for more tests. Now, hearing your dr. telling you to go straight to the ER is very unsettling. We had no answers, not even "it could be.."

    We took her right to the ER and had a 2 hour wait to even be seen. Once we were back in a room one of the doctors came in and basically told us they would need to do more blood work and that he would consult with the on-call pediatrician. We waited and waited and finally they came to give her an IV and draw some blood. We have been through this process before and trying to give a baby/toddler an IV is really hard.. it usually takes 2-3 times to actually get one to take. After two tries we finally had success.

   The pediatrician came in and told us that it could just be a virus but that it us very unusual for them to last longer then 5 days. He mentioned something called Kawasaki's Disease was a possibility although she really didn't fit the symptoms (more on that later)

   We were told that her white blood cell count was at 30, up from 20 the day before. An average white count would be somewhere between 6-14. They knew she was fighting something but the problem no one could seem to solve was what it was.  They did more blood work and another catheter to officially rule out a UTI. After about 10ish hours in the ER we went home with instructions that her regular pediatrician would call us in the morning with results.

   Friday morning we got a call around 9:30 from the pediatric office. We were told that Lila needed to be admitted to the children's unit at the hospital. This was not the news we wanted and I really started to get worried. If the doctors were worried, something was wrong.

  When we got to the hospital we were greeted by a bunch of amazing nurses and a new pediatrician. At this point, Lila was terrified of anyone in scrubs or pretty much anyone she didn't know. It didn't help that they all had to wear masks and these horrible yellow gowns because they hadn't ruled out something contagious.

   They gave Lila a new IV and decided to do an ultrasound of her kidneys to make sure there wasn't an infection that they weren't catching. Well the ultrasound came back perfectly normal. They had sent the urine from the night before for a culture. They drew more blood and at this point were fairly sure that she just had a UTI that wasn't being detected so they started her on IV antibiotics.

  This is where everything starts blending together...

   Over the next 3 days she had fevers, IV's, blood drawn, and another nasal swab because they messed up the first one.

  By Saturday night the urine culture still hadn't grown anything and by this point none of the 11 or so doctors knew what was wrong with our sweet girl. They referred to her as the "mystery child", which was not very comforting for us.

  This was when we heard the diagnosis Kawasaki's Disease again. But this time it was much more serious.

  A brief explanation of Kawasaki's Disease: A rare disease (1 in 100,000). Unknown cause. Causes the arteries to swell and may cause anyeurisms. Children may experience heart attacks around age 2-3.

  The problem was, Lila didn't fit all the necessary criteria for treatment. Kawasaki's usually presents with all kinds of obvious symptoms. In 95% of cases children present with a rash, swollen red tongue etc. Lila had all the lab findings but that was it.

   Kawasaki's must be treated within 10 days of the onset of a fever or it is not effective so the doctors called the Infectious Disease office and a cardiologist and decided it was best to treat.

  The treatment is called IVIG. It is basically and IV transfusion of antibodies from 10,000 or so people. It is a blood product and a pretty serious treatment. Also high doses of asprin are given.

   We decided the risk of heart attacks and anyeurisms was worth the risk of treatment so we started her on IVIG Sunday night. Lila had some pretty awful reactions to it. She threw up, got incredibly tired and very irritable. IVIG causes headaches and migraines and we had to give her tylenol to help her feel better.

   Tuesday morning she had an echocardiogram to see if there had been any damage done already.. luckily the answer was no.

   We were finally sent home Tuesday afternoon and Lila is doing much, much better. She is back to her normal happy self. She has two more echo's scheduled and is on a small dose of aspirin everyday.

   All in all, Lila had.. 2 needle pokes in one foot, 1 in the other, 1 in her ankle, 2 in one arm, 2 in one hand, 3 in the other hand and 1 in the other arm. She had 2 fingers pricked, a throat swab, a nasal swab, a nasal suction, 2 chest x-rays, 3 catheters, countless blood draws, and an echocardiogram. After every single one of those she said "Thank you". She said please for everything and was the bravest person I know. By the end of all that I couldn't help but cry, I was so drained of all my energy, trying to stay happy for Lila and making sure she wasn't so scared. Even I couldn't handle all they put her through and she did it all. I think she knew we were trying to help her even though she couldn't understand what was going on.

   I am so thankful everyday for Lila and my family. I am constantly reminded that it can all be taken away in an instant. I am also incredibly thankful for the countless doctors and nurses who took such good care of us and also for modern medicine.. without it my little one may not be here to grow up.

First Snow/Lila's New Room

It's been a while since I blogged but it has been a pretty busy month. We moved back to Utah and are now just trying to get back into some sort of routine. Hercules is looking for a job and has recently applied to the Unified Police Dept. but it will still be a while until we find out about that.

But anyway...

  The weather has been quite an adjustment for us and last night we finally got a nice big snow storm so this morning we decided to take Lila out to play in the snow for the first time. We got her all bundled up in her new snow suit and hat and plopped her down. She didn't quite know what it was all about at first. She tried to eat it and then face planted. She kind of reminded me of Randy from A Christmas Story because she couldn't move her arms and when she fell over she would roll from side to side but could not, for the life of her, get up. We laughed pretty hard.. then helped her up. :) After about 30 minutes she was done and bored of the snow so we came inside to warm up, but of course I got some cute pictures!

Lila's New Room

So even before we moved home I was planning Lila's new bedroom. I was so excited, I repeat, SO EXCITED, for Lila to finally have a cute room. When she was born she slept in my room with me and then when we moved she had her own bedroom but we could not paint or really do much decorating (we couldn't even hang curtains) so when I found out Lila could have her very own room with fresh paint, new carpet and basically anything I wanted I was ecstatic.

 The first thing I did when we got home was start on her room, when I say the first thing, I actually mean the first thing. I started her room before I even started unpacking.

  A neighbor we had in California told us about how you can use cornstarch and water to hang fabric on the wall and then you just get it wet to take it down. I of course loved this idea and immediately started planning a mural.

  For those of you that know me, you know I have a somewhat unhealthy love of vintage anything, mostly I have a love for vintage flowers and fabric. While in California I bought a fair amount of vintage fabric and even got some from an antique shop on Cannery Row. I decided to cut the fabric into big flowers and use them in the mural.

  I found an old wooden picture frame that belonged to my grandpa and kept a picture of John Wayne very safe.. but no one here shares my grandpa's obsession with John Wayne so we tucked the picture away and I reused the picture frame in my own way.



I also found an old lamp that needed some updating so I recovered it and made some flowers to attach to it. Unfortunately I forgot to take a before picture but it was green, white, and blue stripes.

I made some letters to hang above her bed..

Here are pictures for the (mostly) finished room:

This was my dresser when I was little but it was all black with silver knobs

paper flowers

reading corner

Well there you have it! I can now focus on starting a new project. Next on the list is a new dress for Lila!

Little Bug At The Beach

Since we only have 2 weeks left here in Monterey (it hurts my heart to say that) I decided to take full advantage of my Saturday. Hercules and a couple of his friends wanted to go run on the beach so I decided to tag along and invite one of my friends and her adorable kids. We got all packed up and headed to our favorite beach spot and set up our blanket. 

I was worried about taking Lila since we haven't taken her since she started crawling. I thought for sure it would be a nightmare... and sure enough I set her on the blanket and she headed straight for the sand. I held her up so she could put her feet in and tried my darndest to keep her hands and the rest of her body sand free. After 20 or so minutes of my best efforts I just gave up.. I decided to let her win and have her fun so I plopped her down right in the sand, she didn't move from that spot for over an hour. She just kicked her feet and picked up sand and played with it. She was so happy and perfectly content. I was completely shocked that she didn't try to eat the sand (we have been at the "put everything I see in my mouth" stage for a couple months now). Lila even talked to the sand.. that's how you know she's the happiest, she talks to things..it's strange, but incredibly endearing.

After all this time of enjoyable beach time curiosity finally got the best of our little bug and she decided to lay flat on her stomach, mouth wide open and tongue all the way out and she came up with a mouth and face full of sand.... I was worried she was disgusted but she just laughed and licked my hand to get the sand out of her mouth. We washed it down with a bit of water and I decided it wouldn't kill her and would probably just help out her digestive tract.. I mean I have heard animals eat rocks and stuff for that right? Well either way that's my story and I am sticking to it :).

After about an hour and a half Lila ventured from her spot and crawled all over the beach. She loves the sand and it showed. She had sand everywhere, no doubt I will be finding it all over for the next week. Needless to say, we had a great time and didn't want to come home but we all needed some food and a nap!

These are the days I can't imagine my life without my little wing lady. Things like going to the beach make me feel like a kid again, I really think having children is the best way to "relive" those childhood years. I'm sure it will only get better with time. I am so grateful and so blessed to be Lila's mommy even when I have to clean sand from her ears, mouth, hair, diaper and everything else!



Photo: Courtesy of Morgan Slade :) Thanks Lady!